You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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