My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
