U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
