Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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