I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
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Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
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Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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