Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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