He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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