She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
