I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
