just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
