We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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