I think I died a long time ago.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
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