I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
