If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
