I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
