I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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