Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I know her cup size but not her name....
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