Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
