Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
