maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
either way he was missing a nipple.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
