chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
This toilet bowl is my home.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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