i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
