I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Randomize
