I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
