can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
