I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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