I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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