So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize