the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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