she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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