I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Holy shit dude........stairs
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
