Just took my morning after pill in the library
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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