btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
