I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
