when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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