It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
