I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
