If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
