he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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