I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
