who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Bring me that man meat
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