Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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