the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
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