Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
