you guys were way drunker than both of me
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My penis needs a shock collar
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
