like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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