You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
