the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
