I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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