the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
