A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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