There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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