Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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