I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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