I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
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