I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
